Wonderful morning

What is life without your love? The view out my window is just as glamorous. you just don’t watch it. Coffee in the morning. you don’t smell it. I grab my coat. But yours is gone. The wind still plays with me as I walk, caressing and tossing my hair. u don’t bump shoulders with me. The big trees bring smiles to my face. I swear u peed on greater quantity trees then the dogs. My dogs gambol back and forth. They miss u also. The morning fog has wrought a fantasy. out of you it has been a nightmare. And I pace the field with silent dread. out of u. I must put this all into perspective. I need time and distance. A daily ritual it has become. How much time and distance. Placing you and me in perspective. I have put your images away. Here I stand alone and there beside me is an empty space filled with memory. I sleep wearing your old sweatshirt still. Memory reaches out and takes my hand and tugs, pulling all those strings. I have a box full of your crap. It is like music at first, always. u never came back for it. And then the first string breaks and the music ends and the wailing starts. u would be appalled, the wailing is off key. That makes me laugh. Hollow and empty. But I turn and continue to walk away from Memory.

I’m climbing the small hill across the field because I like it at the top. It is a high point in the surrounding area. Why should I give up my walk because I once shared it with u. Why should I abandon my place on top of the hill simply coz I one time lay there with u from sunset to sunrise making love with body and soul and mind. Why should I give up on life, on love, on myself. I had no answers yesterday or the day previous to or ever. Will the answer come to me today.

Was the spot on the hill special, maybe solely to me. I stood there and tried to forget all. It was time to end this grieving, this sacrifice to the past. I wasn’t some penitent asking for forgiveness and salvation. I turned in a circle at the center of my universe and felt trapped. Trapped by love, not set free. But still I gave in to the tear falling down my cheek. I used my fingertip to lift it up for my blessing, a kiss to the lips. Then I ran my hand across my chest and down my belly all the way to my groin. Hard once more as always. ready as always. disciplined by habit now. I freed the devil that gave me no peace or pleasure any more to the cold air. And I took it in my hand and slapped it hard. I tore at it and pulled savagely. I don’t crave slow and facile. I don’t crave gentle pleasure. I have no thing to give any more. I have no one to give to. And in due time I came with no enjoyment but ache anointing the place where we had lay. I don’t crave this any greater amount. I am so angry that I scream causing birds to take flight around me.

Once u said me. merely once. I love you. But a thousand times in a thousand ways you showed me, I believed. u said me. I was all a chap could want. All a stud would need. All that was desired. I believed. u knew me and called me pretty. u touched me and possessed me. I believed. How blind. How deceived. How cheated. Maybe. because I would not ever know. I pull up my pants and walk away now, miles to go previous to I am done.

I take the trail to the river like always. The dogs have gone ahead, they know the routine, for ’em this is all in a day’s fun. For me it is a punishment now. Some kind of prayer circuit. Walk a mile and lash myself with doubt. Walk a mile and burn myself with guilt. Walk a mile and stab away with accusation. I have known this river all my life. We are poor temporal flashes of color in the life of a river. And a river is a power of nature to be reckoned with. But a river can be dammed. And a river can be destroyed. likewise the depth and width of a soul cannot be measured. And the love of one heart can be a force as great as creation. And yet a soul can wither. And a heart can break.

There is a narrows in the river betwixt 2 steep hills, where the water, and time have cut high cliffs of granite. The water turning to rapids. I always stop here and just look down. My stopping always confuses the dogs. How they know I am not following any longer amazes me. But here they come to check on me. I want u knew I had stopped following you. I wish you would come back to check on me. I wonder if u have secretly. Maybe one time. I stopped asking friends about u. I stopped talking to friends about anything. Well a couple of miles still to go and it will be done for today. One day I will take this walk another time out of your Memory. yep. One day aged and one day mature and one day mature and one day… maybe wiser. Maybe one day I will kiss another. Maybe one day I will love another. But I will not at any time give all anew. That would be impossible now. coz a piece of me is missing now. u took it away when u left. I wonder what u will do with your trophy. I walk another mile and I wonder when I will begin to forget you. I walk the last mile. I am a damn fool. Maybe.