Friends or lovers?

The space betwixt us closed, haunch against haunch. The heat of his skin seeped through the fabric separating us. My eyes darted up to look at him: his eyes flickering from the screen in front of us to the book splayed in his lap, eyelashes brushing against his eyelids tenderly. His eyes caught mine as I deflected my gaze.

“What?” that guy asked.

“Nothing,” I murmured, turning my attention back to the screen.

Shoulders rubbed against every other, a futile attempt to receive closer. this guy huffed. His touch disappeared as he straightened his back. Turning towards me, this guy grabbed my arm and wrapped it around his waist, settling himself into the curve of my body. Warmth bubbled inside me, as the tentative tension of playing the game left my body. An air of contentment enveloped one as well as the other of us, a single continuous body.

The credits ran into darkness as that guy tilted his head upward to look at me. I drowned in his eyes, bright and delightful. I leaned down, leaping off the ledge of comfort across the expanse of uncertainty that lay in advance of me. Lips pushed and moulded against each other. I pulled back. The sparkle disappeared, replaced by a curious blankness, an impenetrable fortress.

A haunting silence pervaded as I tumbled into the abyss.

“What do you wish to do?” this guy asked.

“I don’t know. What do u desire to do?” I countered.

“We could cuddle?” that guy suggested.

“I’d like that,” I replied, a smile widening across my face.

I paced the room: books stacked against the wall, garments haphazardly folded and dropped in piles, CDs leaning against half filled racks. I scanned the photos, searching for these familiar blue eyes. Footsteps sounded against the wooden floor. Greeted by a pale expanse of skin, I swallowed.

“Do you sleep in your clothes?” he asked, striding past me to retrieve books that sprawled across his bed.

Realisation dawned on me. I unbuttoned my shirt, letting it fall to the ground. Unclasping my belt, and poking the denim down, I waited. As this guy turned to face me, this guy paused: eyes fixated on my crotch. I blushed, feeling slightly ridiculous and unprepared standing in advance of him in solely my brightest couple of underwear, a shade of pink that matched my cheeks.

I approached him and the ottoman. Lifting the covers, this chab gestured for me to get in. The sheets slid against my skin, relenting against the weight of my body. I watched as the muscles in his body tense and relax as this chab lifted himself into couch behind me. His arms searched me out in the sheets, the gentle touch of his skin warm and soothing against my chest. this guy pulled me against him: holding me, cradling me. The pieces of me that have chipped off from the bump and grind of this arduous voyage appeared to be to come together again while I was in his arms. I let myself relax and dissolve into his heat.

Our arms stretched and flexed, legs curled and extended, bodies swayed, chests rose and fell: a dance throughout the night. His fingers roamed across my skin, their touch soothing every scar that ran deep under the surface. As moonlight filtered through the cold glass, sleep claimed me.

Morning pried my lids open as a warmth weighed heavily on my chest. My fingers ran throughout the strands, feeling contented, rested and safe. I lay in the silence, acutely aware that an alarm would puncture this bubble, announcing the end of the night.

Moments after, it did.

“Good morning,” I said as his head shifted.

“How do u wake up to that? It’s so peaceful,” this chab grumbled, wiping his eyes sleepily.

He tightened his hold around me, pinning me down. I chuckled, nuzzling against him.

“I indeed have to go,” I whispered.

“Mmmmm… all right,” this chab relented, untangling himself from me, shifting onto his side.

I smiled as I slid out, retrieving my clothing and putting them on quietly.

I wandered back to his bedside, watching his peaceful form. I settled beside him, sitting. His arms wrapped around my waist, luring me back into the comfort of his embrace. I chuckled.

I pulled them apart and whispered, “I’ll let myself out.”

“Okay,” that guy mumbled.

I stumbled through the apartment, picking up my belongings where I had left them the night before. As I crouched to the ground, tying my shoelaces, in nature’s garb feet sneaked into my field of vision.

“Hey,” this chab said.

“Hey…” I replied, feeling the ground under me sag. The curious steely expression had returned to his face.

The tension in the air mounted.

“Okay. Look,” I finally said, “I obviously really like you, if u can’t tell already.” I chuckled nervously, “So I need to know if u just watch us as actually good friends, or if it’s greater quantity that that, because I could indeed fall for you.”

The anticipation crawled under my skin like ants nibbling at the free nerve endings.

He sighed. “I do like you,” this chab said.

My heart fell.

“But I don’t know what I desire in a relationship,” this guy said.

I heard, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.”

I said, “Okay.”

“I see us as friends.”

I heard, “There’s something about you.”

I said, “Yeah, friendship is nice enough for me.”

“Please don’t hold out for me.”

I heard, “I’m not interested.”

I nodded and said, “I’m going to go now.”

“Bye.”

“See you.”

I descended the stairs, taking in the barren sight in the bleak morning light. I felt myself being drank by the abyss of uncertainty. The mended core inside me imploded, sending shrapnel pummeling throughout my insecurities.

Droplets formed on my face. I reached up to touch them, cold. I blinked, my eyes dry. The droplets formed against my skin: flakes melting against the heated surface. I watched as flakes floated through the morning lit sky, a sombre grey. They settled in my hair, in my clothes: their seemingly weightlessness deceiving. They accumulated, sitting atop my sagging shoulders, my drooping head as I walked the walk of shame.