Changing Tyler-Chapter Ten

I walked out of Billy’s room in a daze, wandering down the hallway. I didn’t know where I was going, didn’t really see everything except the embarrassed photos flickered in my head. HIV. The letters kept flashing in my mind’s eye in blood-red neon letters. I didn’t know anyone who was positive. Hell, I hardly knew anyone who was gay, except for me and Billy, but I damn well knew what AIDS was, and I knew that the HIV virus progressed into it. I’d listened in health class, and I’d read all the pamphlets in the library at school. I knew the HIV virus weakened your immune system, leaving u open to all kinds of medical problems. I knew that AIDS was a horrible, ugly disease. I too knew that it was preventable.

Now I too knew that Billy was purposely trying to become infected, and that Robbie-the-A-hole might well have done the deed. That bastard! Who intentionally tries to pass HIV to other boys? What kind of nutcase does that?

The kind that doesn’t care, that’s who; the kind without a conscience, who deny that they even know the chap afterward. That kind. I felt such a raging rage sweep over me that I began to tremble. I wanted to go back into Billy’s room and shake him until this chab saw reason. I wanted to go back to Home Depot and do Robbie some serious harm. I wanted to go to Billy’s house and beat his parents dark and blue for not caring sufficiently about their son.

almost any of all, I wanted to cry ‘coz I knew I couldn’t do any of the things I wanted to do.

“Tyler?” Dylan caught up with me, curbing his stride to accommodate my shorter legs. “What’s wrong? What happened in there? I heard u chaps yelling from all the way down the hall.” he grabbed my arm, pulling me to a stop.

“I need to get out of here, Dylan. Now, right now. Please!”

“Sure, sure. Come on. Let’s go,” Dylan told. Thankfully, that guy didn’t press me then and there, or I would have completely lost it. I was only hanging on by a thin thread. One false move and I was going to snap.

Even one time we were in the car and moving, I still didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I just sat there, numb, staring out of the window, watching the scenery rush by. I don’t remember everything I saw, just a blur of green and brown.

The next thing I knew, Dylan was pulling into a parking spot in the petite lot at the neighborhood park. “Come on,” he told. “The new air will do you good.”

I shook my head. I didn’t wish fresh air. I didn’t crave to walk, talk, or do everything but sit and simmer in my own misery. Dylan insisted, opening my door, unbuckling my seatbelt and pulling me out by the elbow.

A jogging path wrapped around the lake that sat in the midst of the park. It wasn’t big, maybe a half-mile around, but it was smooth and greater quantity importantly, deserted. I started to walk, then jog, with Dylan keeping pace next to me.

I ran faster, then faster yet until I was at an all-out run, my feet pounding the ground, arms pumping. Dylan stayed right alongside me, although I knew he was a stronger runner than I was and could have outdistanced me out of too much trouble. I barely noticed him. I wasn’t running for exercise or practice. I was running away – away from Billy, away from the specters of HIV and AIDS, away from Doug, my mom…everyone and anything. almost all of all, I was trying to run from the ache and confusion that were tearing me up inside.

I felt betrayed. Billy was my friend, my closest friend in fact. Why was this chab trying to die on me? Didn’t this chab care about me?

It was being selfish, and I knew it. I wasn’t thinking as much about what was going on in Billy’s head as I was about how what this guy was doing affected me. How it made me feel.

Then I felt guilty, which just made everything worse.

After 2 and half trips around the lake, I ran out of steam. I still kept going, sides aching, gasping for breath, muscles screaming, until lastly I couldn’t take another step and fell to my knees on the grass. I bent over, my head nearly touching the ground, ache cramping one as well as the other of my calves and a stitch blazing in my side that made it difficult for me to breathe. I felt nauseated, and would have puked had there been everything in my abdomen. I’m surprised I didn’t begin to dry heave.

“Easy, Tyler,” Dylan told. this guy was kneeling down next to me, breathing hard likewise. One warm hand rested on my back. “Breathe. Slow and easy.”

It took a not many minutes, but eventually the cramps disappeared. Dylan helped me up and steered me to a nearby bench. We sat side by side for a while, until my heart stopped hammering against my sternum and my breathing returned to normal.

“Billy is trying to acquire infected with HIV,” I said, staring out at the mirror-like surface of the lake. The merely thing that broke the water was a duck, gliding effortlessly toward the far side, barely kicking up a wake.

“What? That’s crazy! It has to be a mistake. Maybe u misunderstood-”

“I didn’t,” I told firmly. “He was crystal clear about it.” I felt my muscles tighten all over again, felt the same anger I’d felt previous to roiling in my gut. “He thinks this chab likes Robbie. Robbie is positive, and Billy has this nutso idea that if this guy were positive too, Robbie would wish him.”

“Jesus!”

“Yeah.”

That’s when I lost it. I think saying it out loud made it greater quantity real somehow. The waterworks started and I couldn’t stop ’em. I pounded my fist against my thigh, keeping my face turned away from Dylan, not wanting him to see me cry, trying hard not to break down into hysterical sobs.

Dylan’s hand covered mine, forcing me to stop hitting myself. His hand felt warm and strong, and remained on mine even after I’d brought myself back beneath control and took a deep, jagged breath. His fingers slipped through mine, and I suddenly realized that this chab wasn’t just keeping me from hurting myself – this guy was holding my hand.

It startled me enough to turn and look at him. he was staring across the lake, eyes fixed on some point in the distance, but this chab have to have known I was looking at him because his cheeks reddened and he bit his lip.

“Dylan?” I managed to croak, my voice sounded brittle.

“Just give me a minute, okay?” that guy asked, not looking in my direction. We sat that way for a lengthy while, him holding my hand, and me wondering what the heck was going on. It did do one thing for me – it took my mind off Billy for the time being.

“Tyler? I lied to you,” he told softly. “Maybe now isn’t the greatest time, but I need to come clean. I can’t do this anymore.”

I was clueless. All I knew was that this guy was holding my hand, actually holding it, and I didn’t wish him to stop. I heard him say he’d lied, but I didn’t care about what. Don’t let go, Dylan, I thought, trying to reach him telepathically, to force his hand to remain in mine through sheer willpower alone.

“You were right. I blew that English test on purpose. Don’t receive me wrong – English isn’t my superlatively good subject, but it’s not my worst, either. My dad and the tutor give me plenty of time to study. I lied about that, too.

“The day in advance of we took the test, I saw Grayle putting jointly the list of tutors and students. I told him I felt that I needed supplementary aid and asked to be assigned to you. I said Grayle that since we were the one and the other on the team, it would be easiest for us to hook up and study. Then I blew the test so that u wouldn’t be suspicious. I even type of waved it at u when I picked it from the desk so that you’d see the grade.”

“What? Why?” That startled me right out of the funk I’d been in. He’d arranged for me to coach him? What was this chab trying to tell me?

“This is why,” Dylan said softly, lifting our linked hands. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You’re gay?” I gasped, feeling my eyes bug out of my head like a toon character. I truly didn’t know how many greater quantity shocks I could take in one day.

“I don’t know.”  I could hear the misery in his voice. he still wouldn’t look at me, and now I knew why. Confessions were hard to make and still keep eye contact. “I kept trying to be like the other guys. I dated girls, but I not ever found one that did it for me, you know? The chaps think I’m this large player, but the truth is that I just never discovered a beauty that I wanted to keep seeing. Then I noticed u one day final year in the cafeteria, when you and Billy started hanging out.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. you did it for me, Tyler. Man, I couldn’t stop thinking about u. I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know what to say. I ignored it, told myself it was nuts, but no matter what I did I couldn’t stop watching you. Finally, I realized that it was cuz I didn’t want to stop. Look, Tyler, I can’t…I mean, nobody knows…”

“So, you’re not out. Me either. u and Billy are the only ones I’ve told.”

“Do you think I’m gay?”

“I don’t know.  Jeez, do I look like a Magic Eight Ball with all the answers? only you can make a decision that, Dylan. Maybe you are, maybe you’re not. It’s solely a word, fellow. The solely thing that matters is that u be yourself and do what makes u happy.” Wow. I indeed sounded older and worldly. In truth, I was merely telling him what I’d found out for myself not too long agone.

“Being with u makes me glad. I’ve been happier this weekend than I’ve been in a long, long time,” this guy told. this guy finally turned and looked at me, his brilliant blue-green eyes serious and a little frightened. “Do u like me, Billy?”

“Truthfully?” I asked, expecting for his nod. today was a day for confessions, it seemed. I might as well join the parade. “I’ve had a crush on you for years, since we were freshmen. I just decided this weekend that we could be friends; that I could stop obsessing on u and move on.”

“Oh.” this chab sounded so sad, as if I’d just thrown up a hurdle too high for him to jump.

“Dylan, what I’m saying is that before, I just liked the way you looked in your running shorts. I didn’t know u. Now, I’m starting to know you and I like you a lot. If u were straight, then that would mean that we could be friends, but now…maybe we could try being greater quantity than friends,” I said, trying to explain, and hoping I wasn’t screwing it up too badly. “If u crave to, I mean.”

We fell silent, staring out at the water. I needed this, I decided, needed Dylan and to have a fun the feeling of his hand in mine. I wanted to savor the moment, just in case this guy said no.

he didn’t, but when this chab spoke again it was in a whisper that was almost too low for me to hear.

“I’ve at no time kissed a guy before, Tyler.”

“Yeah? Me, neither.” It was true. We lived in a very small town. The only homo friend I had was Billy and we’d never been attracted to every other like that. Simply put, Billy wasn’t my sort. I’d not ever gone with him to a club ‘cuz I was likewise chicken to try to use the fake ID he’d made for me, so my experience was limited to none.

“I actually wish to kiss you.”

How many times in my dreams had Dylan said that to me? In my dreams, I always had the right answer. I was sexy and seductive and sophisticated. In my daydreams, I always knew what I was doing.  I’d cup his cheeks with my hands and pull him to me, planting one on him that would curl his toes.

Now that he’d truly said it, all I could manage was “Oh. Sure,” as if he’d just asked to run a lap with me or discuss Hamlet, instead of fulfilling a fantasy I’d had for years.

Dylan had plenty of experience in the kissing department, even if it had not at any time been with a boy previous to. that guy let go of my hand – okay with me, since I knew that what was coming had to be infinitely better than hand-holding – and slipped his arm around my shoulders.

His other hand touched my cheek, gently, lightly, and he looked at me for a long moment before leaning in, his eyes drifting closed.

Mine stayed wide open. I didn’t want to miss a minute of it. I wanted to memorize the entire thing, experience the whole enchilada just in case he decided he didn’t like it and our first kiss ended up being our final.

His lips crammed against mine, soft and warm. I leaned in, my hand touching his cheek, the bristles of his five o’clock shadow feeling coarse below my fingers. His breath warmed my face; his other arm encircled my waist, pulling me even closer.

I’d read stories where writers used phrases like “he melted into so-and-so’s arms.” I always used to snort disdainfully when I read ’em ‘cuz I not ever failed to acquire a mental image of the naughty Witch of the West melting after Dorothy threw the bucket of water on her in the Wizard of Oz.  Oh, what a world, what a world… Now I knew what these authors were getting at, ‘cuz I did, indeed, melt.

My bones turned to jelly, my insides liquefying into some type of nice, gooey mush. It was the type of the feeling you’d receive if u ate a bowl of hawt oatmeal right after coming inside on a bitterly cold day. I felt toasty, warmed up from the inside out.

Dylan’s lips parted and I tasted his tongue, just for a second, previous to he pulled away. I suppose this guy scared himself – I was a little shaken, also. likewise much, too fast, I guess.

We smiled at every other, a little confused. My body was doing things I didn’t wish him to know about, and from the look on his face and the way he shifted around, I’d say that guy was going through the same thing. Which made me feel sort of conceited, and stretched my smile into a grin. I turned my head so that this guy wouldn’t see it, looking back merely when I had one as well as the other my face and my body below control.

“Y-you okay?” I stammered, praying with all my heart that this chab wasn’t going to say “Yuck!” and decide that kissing me had been a horrible mistake.

that guy didn’t. Instead, this chab smiled at me and sought my hand again, lacing our fingers jointly.

We sat there until the sun set, watching the sky color with orange and red, slowly deepening into purple. that guy never let go of my hand.