Changing Tyler-Chapter Eighteen

I didn’t go back to school, or to the meet against South Westfield. None of it seemed very important any greater amount. Instead, I plugged in my ear buds and turned up the volume on my iPod, shutting the entire world out. those hardly any days were like gray haze, hours spent staring at the ceiling of my room trying hard not to think about anything. If I didn’t think about Billy or Dylan or Doug or my mom, I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I wouldn’t be so embarrassed. It would all go away.

It didn’t.

I remember my mommy coming in and out a not many times. At one point, she yanked my earphones out of my ears and yelled at me for a scarcely any minutes. I don’t even remember what this babe told.

My belly was so twisted up in knots that I didn’t eat. I lived on Coke and a scarcely any handfuls of chips when hunger pains coercive me to get up and acquire something from the kitchen, but the meals mom made for me went untouched. I didn’t shower, didn’t brush my teeth. I slept a lot.

Finally, on late Tuesday afternoon, there was a knock on my bedroom door. I heard it, even with my tunes blasting in my ears, but ignored it. mama would come in anyway, even if I said her not to, so why waste my breath?

The door opened but it wasn’t my mama. It was Dylan.

“Oh, stud. Tyler, you look like crap.” that guy sat down on the edge of my bed, and I rolled over, turning my back to him. I didn’t wish to watch him, or have him watch me. Not like this.

“Go away.”

“Tyler, talk to me. Your mommy called me and said that u were bumming, that you wouldn’t talk to her, or eat everything. Come on, Tyler…”

“Go away, Dylan. We don’t have everything to talk about.” I could barely hear him over the music blasting in my ears, and that was just the way I wanted it.

“Bull! We have plenty to talk about,” he growled, yanking my earphones off and tossing my iPod to the foot of the daybed. I’d had it on so loud that I could still hear the music floating out of the ear buds. “I came out, Tyler. To my folks.”

“Yeah? u desire a medal or a chest to wear it on?” I snarled. I didn’t care. I wanted to curl back up into my nest of self-pity and be left alone.

“Oh, that was cold, dude, but maybe I deserve it,” he told. “No, I stand corrected. I know that I deserve it. I acted like a jerk when u came to watch me. I should have explained more, talked it out with you, but I was scared. u needed me and I bailed on u. I’m sorry.”

“It’s over. No big deal,” I said, reaching for my iPod once more. that guy ripped it out of my fingers and tossed it across the room onto a pile of laundry. “Hey! Give that back!”

“No! It’s not over. Listen to me, Tyler!” Dylan said, grabbing both of my hands. that guy held them firmly, not letting me wriggle away. “I made a mistake. I blew it. I was so afraid of everything – how I felt about you, what my folks would think, my friends… But you know what? After u left I felt even worse ‘cuz I knew u weren’t coming back. What I told to u the other day was true, Tyler. I didn’t like hiding – not us, and not who I am. That’s over. I’m out, I desire to be with you, and I don’t care who knows it.”

“Well, good for you,” I told sarcastically, jerking my hands out of his. “What about me, huh? Doesn’t somebody on this Goddamn planet care about how I feel? My mom didn’t when that babe let Doug talk trash to me. Billy didn’t when that guy threw our friendship away and set himself up to die. you didn’t, either. u were solely concerned with what people would think about u. u didn’t care about what I was going through, solely about how it would affect you.”

“News flash, Tyler. I’m human. I make mistakes like everyone else! All I can do is apologize and try not to make the same ones twice. That’s not true, what you said. I do care about you, about us. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have come out to my folks, and I wouldn’t be here now.”

“You came out ‘cuz of us? Puh-leeze.” I told irritably, my voice leaking with sarcasm. “If that’s true, then you did it for the wrong reason, dude, coz there is no ‘us’.”

Dylan sighed, closing his eyes for a minute, running his fingers throughout his hair. “Don’t say that, Tyler. Look, no more lies, okay? This is the truth. I felt like I was lying to myself and everybody else for the past year. It was really hard trying to pretend to be anybody I wasn’t – I had nightmares sometimes. So, I came out coz it was the right thing to do for me. But u were a big part of the reason, too, an important part. I truly wish there to be an ‘us,’ Tyler.”

Oh, man…He knew exactly what to say to get to me. The self-pity I had wallowed in, the anger I’d tried so hard to hold on to, trickled out of me like air from an old, shaved tire. “How did your folks take the news?” I asked, not willing to admit that I still wanted there to be an ‘us,’ also.

Dylan shrugged and gave me a sad smile. “Not too well. There was a lot of yelling and crying and stuff. Things are a little chilly at home right now, but they’ll come around. At least they didn’t throw me out.”

“I-I’m glad for you.”

“Tyler, please, can we acquire past this? I indeed wish to be with you.” this chab looked sincere, but I was scared, still hurt, and not sure I could trust him again.

“I don’t know. So much has happened in the last week that I just don’t know what end is up anymore.”

“Maybe we can figure it out together. We’ll go slow, just hang out jointly if that’s all u wish. Please?”

What do u have to lose? I asked myself. Things couldn’t receive any worse, right? I felt myself nod, and for the first time in days, I smiled.

Dylan reached for my hands again, and this time I let him hold them. A part of me wanted to stay crazy at him, but a larger part of me wanted that warm oatmeal feeling anew. When this guy leaned in to kiss me, I met him halfway.

this chab leaned his forehead against mine. “Is it always like this? So complicated, I mean?”

“I don’t know. It feels that way most of the time.”

“Sometimes I feel like everything’s jumbled into a big fat knot, like a tangled ball of Christmas lights, and I can’t find the beginning or the end no matter how hard I try.”

“I know the feeling,” I said, nodding. “It makes you desire to trash the entire thing and start over from scratch.”

“Yeah. Well, at least we’re nice now, right?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” I gave him a smile, a real one, and his marvelous turquoise eyes lit up.

“Tyler? Now that we’re allies again, I have to tell u something,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze.

Oh, God. Now what? “Yeah?” I asked, feeling that familiar knot start to form in my abdomen anew.

“You reek. Go grab a shower. You’re making my eyes water, dude.”

I laughed with relief, and gave him a push that not quite toppled him from the edge of the couch. “You jerk! I do not!”

“You do also. u smell like an open sewer,” Dylan said, laughing. “Like something crawled up your booty and died. We’re talking a combination of decaying flesh, rotten eggs and compost heap, Tyler.”

“Sweet-talker,” I grinned, rolling out of sofa. I took a whiff underneath my arms and coughed. The stench singed my nose hairs. “Smells like roses to me.”

“Then you have smth seriously wrong with your sniffer. Go on and hose off, then we’ll go and grab smth to eat, okay?”

“You’re buying.”

“Only if you scrub yourself down and spray yourself with disinfectant.”

“Harsh, dude.”

“Love hurts. Go.”

I laughed all the way into the shower, feeling better than I had in a week. The hawt water felt incredibly good, and washed away the last of the depression I’d wrapped myself in. By the time I was through, I felt not quite like my old self again.

Things appeared to be to truly receive more excellent after that.

Billy was gone and, during the time that his absence still hurt, Doug’s disappearance from my life was terrific. It was peaceful at home now, and I had the television all to myself. mamma appeared to be to be doing okay. this babe smiled a lot more, and we spent greater amount time together than we had before. that babe and Dylan were becoming friends, or at least more comfortable around one another, which was likewise a wonderful thing considering how much time I was spending with him.

We saw each other constantly, at school, after school, on weekends – as often as his practice schedule would allow. I’d dropped out of track, feeling likewise awkward now that the team was beginning to suspect that there was greater quantity to Dylan’s and my relationship than just study buddies. In truth, I hardly missed it. I spent that time boning up for the SAT’s, and wondering whether I could receive a worthy enough score to get into State. There were grants available, and a scholarship through the police department that I might be eligible for, if I could make the grade. It would be really phat if I could go to the same college as Dylan.

Neither of us had officially come out at school. We weren’t ready for that step, not yet, but we too didn’t try to hide behind the cover of studying in order to watch one one more anymore. Still, people were starting to talk. We didn’t miss the sideways glances and whispering going on around us – we just didn’t acknowledge it.

That was all about to change one sunny Tuesday afternoon, just after our English IV class.